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The Only Love Advice You Will Ever Need

1935728_168137720627_5702278_nI am about to give you the only love advice you will ever need. This is the hack that everyone is looking for. I will warn you ahead of time it will not satisfy you. Information itself is just that; a tidbit that exists in this present moment that you will either be open to receiving or will dismiss with disgust. The decision will be made in an instant. Even if you do accept all the information, the probability of you being able to put it all into practice regularly is very slim. I don’t say this to be negative. I say it because we as humans, tend to only accept things once they’ve been proven to us. After we have trialed them for some time and we see positive results.

When it comes to love however, this trialing becomes difficult, because our love is where our emotions are most tightly tied. We are paralyzed searching for the perfect moves to make to keep the object of our affection with us, to prevent that person from ever leaving. So there adds a desperation over each of the bits of information, a strict all or nothing approach to relationship advice. If it does not work after a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, we quickly discard it and go back to the way we have always operated. We feel the need to move fast and demand answers, to come to the quickest possible solution, or the moment could be lost! The love could leave and we would have failed once again.

The greatest thing I have ever learned about love is patience. Even saying that word will have evoked some eye rolls and those people are the ones that no advice will satisfy. They are only looking for the quick fix that does not exist.

For the ones who are still with me… here we go.

Patience, followed by calmness of mind, and the ability to hold the sand (your love) loosely in your hand, is all the advice you really need.

Love cannot and will not be forced. The all or nothing formula does not work on love. If you are operating from a place of if he does this than it always means this, black and white, no exception; then you will never be fully successful in achieving the love you desire.

Patience is not just waiting; it is the managing a rollercoaster of emotions. It is consciously choosing your partner again and again and again. That’s when you love them, when you hate them, and when you feel indifferent towards them. It’s choosing, at a level higher than emotions, that even when you are not currently satisfied at-this-very-moment and you’re scared to death that you are wasting something; time, energy, youth. In those moments it is staying and having a little faith that will bring you to a far greater happiness than a quick solution ever will.

Love will not accept demands, it rebels against them. The “Where is this going?”, “Am I wasting my time?”, “Do you really love me or not?”; love recoils at those things. Love grows not through jealously or constraint but through free flow. Allowing your love to choose you again and again and again; when he loves you, when he hates you, and when he is indifferent towards you.

Your evolutionary fight or flight reaction is what causes you to demand vs. be patient. To think of a million scenarios in which it could all go up in flames vs. just accepting the experience for everything and anything it will give to you. To lay the strict ground rules and try to control all possible outcomes vs. holding your palm open and allowing the love its unwavering freedom.

It’s when we push against our archaic evolutionary urges and ignore our inner stirrings of the “but what ifs” that we can really see the truth. The truth is that you don’t need to predict the outcome (because you can’t) and trying to do so only leads to a pre-mature ending anyway. Only when your heart is wide open giving someone the ability, hell, the permission, to totally destroy you, will you really see if your relationship has what it takes to transcend the norms. It’s only when we hold the sand loosely in our hands that we can be sure it is there because it wants to be, because it needs to be, because it is always choosing you.

 

Dear Ash…Should I Trust Him?

6Dear Ash,

I have been dating this amazing guy for several months and everything has been going great until a few weeks ago. He started to distance himself, not making time for me, essentially the complete opposite of what he had been.

The other morning he left to go to the bathroom and his phone went off. I don’t know why but I felt the need to look at his messages. He has been communicating with his ex wife and saying things that are inappropriate like he loves her.

Immediately I confronted him and he tried to lie at first but eventually admitted that it was her. He said that she is sick and she messaged him for comfort and he did not really love her he was just trying to be nice to her. They were together for 9 years and have only been divorced for 8 months after he caught her cheating on him.

He says he loves me that he wants to be with me and won’t talk to her anymore. He says he hasn’t seen her and nothing has happened other than texting her. I am completely devastated. I have been cheated on by every single guy I have ever been with and I thought he would finally be the guy who would be different.

Should I trust him? Should I believe that this is going to work? I don’t want to throw away a great relationship for some text messages, but I don’t want to get hurt either. HELP this confused girl out!

Empty Girl

 


 

Dear Empty Girl,

After reading the first paragraph of your letter I was going to tell you it is completely normal for a man to pull away after the first few months. Actually they pull away periodically when they need space throughout the relationship. It’s usually it is not a red flag.

This on the other hand unfortunately is. Now you know I don’t condone checking text messages but what’s done is done and you can’t un-see that text. If it was her saying she loved him I wouldn’t be as concerned but there is no good reason for him to say the L word to her unless in fact he does still love her.

Now before I give you my suggestion I want to address something else you said “I have been cheated on by every single guy I have ever been with and I thought he would finally be the guy who would be different” Did you truly think it would be different or deep down did you believe it would probably turn out the same?

I am going to guess you thought it would likely be the same because a) you assumed he has probably cheated on you because of the text message and b) that sentence you said was the same thing I told myself for years and years.

You know what it got me? The exact same outcome again and again.

I am going to tell you something I know for sure. All men do not cheat! Also, once a cheater isn’t always a cheater. Those ideas, that I am sure you have heard before, can cause you treat a new guy like he will screw you over before he even gets the chance to.

Just because you have been cheated on by every single guy you have been with does not mean the next guy will cheat on you. So it’s time to get that out of your head! When you are thinking those thoughts not only are you attracting that stuff you are also likely approaching your relationships in a way that is defensive vs. open. I don’t blame you and you shouldn’t blame you either, but you just won’t see the kind of success you want in love until you can let that stuff go for good.

This guy may be an idiot or may be momentarily confused but whether he is the one or you haven’t met him yet have to be ready for that girl! And that means letting go of the past and believing you are so much more than the girl who always gets cheated on.

As for your man, cut him loose for now. You must show him that you value your self worth and are not going to be with someone who still has his heart somewhere else. Demanding respect is the only way this relationship has a shot. Tell him to go and get his stuff sorted out, to take some time to get over his past heartache, and once he is sure he is fully over her (assuming you are still single) you will give him another shot.

If you take the break and he comes back in a few months totally ready to move on from all that stuff, than sure you should trust him. But first he needs to truly get her out of his life and you need to be ready to trust any man, not just this one. :)

Happily Ever After Starts With You,

Ash

How To Get Flowers at Work, Pre-Planned Dates, and Extravagant Birthdays

EngagementWe get so wrapped up in the expectation of him surprising us that we disregard a good deed if we have to ask for it.

Why aren’t both options just as great? Think of the logic, he actually listened to what you said and then immediately executed it.

It’s time to get over these expectations and start getting what you want by asking for it.

Flowers at Work

If you want him to send you flowers to work ask him to and don’t do it in a round a bout way like “gee it would be nice if I had flowers sent to me at work one day” or “Sarah got flowers today at work…must be nice”.

Tell him how to make you happy because he may not understand how much it means to you. After all he probably wouldn’t care to get flowers, so instead say “It would really make me happy if you sent me flowers to work this week. I could use a pick me up around there”.

That way you told him it would make you happy, so even though you had to ask, you know his intentions are to make you feel good.

Extravagant Birthdays

Tell him exactly what you want for your birthday and if certain things mean a lot to you then be descriptive or be disappointed.

There are is so much pressure around birthdays. He could be the best boyfriend all year and screw up when it comes to planning anything special for you and suddenly he is the most inconsiderate jerk on the planet.  Cut him some slack and tell him what to do.

Pre-planned Dates

I don’t know about you but I always feel like I’m planning where we are going on date night. If you want him to plan something, tell him. If you have specific expectations on type of restaurants tell him that too.

The trick with this one is to not end up choosing someplace to go anyway because he has left making reservations till last minute. He might even screw it up the first time but resist the urge to take over and let him try again the next weekend.

Remember to Say Thank You!

If you want to encourage him to do these things for your again another time (without you having to ask) then remember to say thank you.

It sounds so simple but it is often forgotten.

If he fulfills your request but you forget to show your appreciation he is likely going to feel a little resentful. If you hug him and give him a great big thank you, it will make him feel good. He likes feeling good and chances are he will want to feel good again in the future :)

Try it out and comment below to let me know how it worked for you!

The Simple Way To Feel Closer To Him

A New ToyAfter we’ve been in a relationship for awhile we start to develop a bad habit of filtering through the things our partner says to us.

Maybe you have heard the story before or he’s talking about his sports team or something else your not all that interested in. So you start to multitask during conversations because you can get the gist of it.

Sure you can get more done this way but the body language of not fully paying attention actually depletes your closeness.

It conveys a message to him that “you are boring”, “you have nothing of value to say”, or “I don’t care about what you care about”, even though that is not how you feel.

Try this next time you catch yourself scrolling through Facebook when he is telling you about something.

Put down the phone and look him in the eye.

Even if you have heard a version of this story a million times before, make a serious effort to hear every single word he is saying.  You don’t have to offer advice or even say anything more than “ummhmm”, just listen.

Everyone likes to feel that they are being listened to and heard.

We usually look to him to reassure us or talk specifically about the relationship to make us feel that closeness. But something as simple as showing you care about what he has to say, by giving him your undivided attention, can do wonders.

It seems like such an easy and obvious thing but I bet you will catch yourself not paying attention a lot more than you think. Try it and comment below to let me know if you noticed a difference!

Are You Unknowingly Making Him Feel Like He’s Not Good Enough?

Mirara o mirase.We can sometimes have an all or nothing mentality when it comes to the man in our lives. We gloss over the things he is doing right and harp in on the things he does wrong.

When he comes home from work he takes out the trash and cooks dinner. After dinner though he throws his dirty dishes in the sink (again) instead of the dishwasher. This makes you so mad that you forget to thank him for the nice things he just did, and yell at him for not putting the dishes away.

He of course is focused on the things he is doing right and then feels discouraged that all you could see was what he did wrong.

In the long run he does the nice things less and less because he thinks you don’t really appreciate them anyway.

Resist the urge to correct every behavior you determine is “bad” and focus on everything he does right. Not only will he be happier and feel more appreciated, but your entire perception of your relationship will change for the better.

The Truth About The Rules

101208862There are tricks you can use to get what you want with a man.

These tricks are sometimes referred to as “the rules”. They include advice like; if you don’t run after him when he pulls away he will come back, or that keeping your cool during an argument will get you a lot further with him.

These rules do work but they serve a greater purpose; they are actually for you not for him. You don’t need to do these things to “get the guy” or “keep the guy” you need to do them for your own self worth.

The rules help you feel in control of the situation so that you can move past a place of hurt, defensiveness, and anger from your past. If you think about it they are actually the opposite of tricks, they are an announcement to every man that “hey this is me and I love me. I won’t jump through hoops for you, I won’t chase you when you run away because you do not determine my worth! I determine my worth!”

The rules help you to breathe, to have balance, to relax, and to realize that men simply do not operate in the same way as us and they don’t show love the exact same way that we do, but that’s okay!.

The tricks aren’t to trick him they are to trick your brain. Sure they can get him to do a little more around the house or treat you nicer, but the real message is that once you can break down your own protective walls you don’t need tricks. That way of being will come natural to you.

It’s time to stop thinking about restrictions and negativity. It’s time to stop drawing catastrophic conclusions based on the very worst parts of your romantic past and start to only see the good parts….and while we are at it to only see the best possible outcome for the future of your relationship too.

That’s not a delusional way to think.

What is more delusional? Interpreting everything he does as a possibility that he wants someone else, or will never marry you, or doesn’t think you’re beautiful? Or to interpret it as maybe he had a bad day, maybe he is stressed out, maybe he just wants be a guy and hang out with his buddies.

We build walls around our hearts, pick fights with our partners, create stress and resentment, because we are constantly trying to prove our negative thoughts right.

The thoughts that proclaim…

“All men are cheaters!”

“Men don’t want monogamy!”

“I’m too fat, too thin, too stupid, too crazy, for a man to want a relationship with me!”

We try and prove those extreme conclusions right so that we don’t have to be vulnerable, we don’t have to risk being hurt like we were in the past. But the funny thing is, that it is that exact mindset that leads our relationships to fail…. because we cannot open up fully and just “be”.

Opening up fully is more than just “being yourself”. Opening up fully is being at peace with what is, in yourself, and in your partner. It is acceptance of him and acceptance of you without trying to change a thing.

It means that you trust him to keep bettering himself without you needing to tell him how. It means you take a deep breath and you find your relaxed, playful, feminine, curious, beautiful side again.

The side all of us have. The one we hid away a long time ago for fear people would laugh or use it against us. Opening up is allowing the possibility of something beautiful to happen in our love lives because we no longer look for ways that it’s impossible but instead we seek out ways to prove it is certain.

Dear Ash…How Can I Get Him To Spend More Time With Me?

2Hi Ash!

So before I start my rant, I would just like to say that I am new to the site, and I absolutely love it so far!!

And so here it goes… Even before my boyfriend and I started dating I knew that once university started back up we wouldn’t see each other as much… But I certainly didn’t think that it was going to be THIS bad!

We basically only see each other during our breaks at school and holidays. The last time we hung out, out of school, was well over 3 weeks ago (and I am sure that is only because we had a couple days booked in Collingwood).

I knew getting into the relationship that he takes school very seriously (he wants to be a lawyer) and that there would be some times where he wouldn’t be able to hangout because of school work. But this is killing me and he’s just not getting it!!

I take school very seriously too, but I would definitely rather spend a night with him rather than doing homework. (This comes back to your posts about feeling like I care more about the relationship than he does). I just feel like if he cares like he says he does, why isn’t he showing it??

I have been so miserable in the past couple weeks because I am in some desperate need of romance (the kind that does not involve a school library for once!!), maybe even a little attention? I don’t know what to do at this point. I feel like I’m going crazy, in search of just ‘something’ from him ??

I know that I would be completely devastated if we broke up, because on the odd time that we do get to spend time together, it is amazing! I just keep trying to tell myself that this is short term pain for long term gain… But I just NEED some boyfriend and girlfriend time, ya know?!

I’ve tried telling him (but as you mentioned, that gets absolutely nowhere!) And he only ends up mad that I am questioning how he feels. Now should I try the whole pulling back thing? I’m worried that doing that will just cause us to not spend even more time together? And I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

Sincerely,

Damsel in Distress

 

Hi Damsel in Distress!  

Thank you so much for your kind comment!

I totally get where you are coming from. When a man wants to spend less time with us we immediately think the worst. You are convinced that he is seeing you less because he doesn’t care about you but you said yourself that you knew school was very important to him. I can only imagine how hard school is to become a lawyer it must be a huge workload!

So it’s time to re-frame your thinking.

You think that because you would rather ditch your studies to hang out with him the fact that he won’t do that means he loves you less.

Instead try and re-frame that and think “actually it does not mean that at all, he does want to hang out with me”. Of course he would rather hang out with his girlfriend and have fun than study, read books, and do tests, but right now he has to devote a lot of time towards his dreams.

See his point of view

It’s easy to jump to conclusions and usually friends who weigh in on this issue are no help “oh I wouldn’t put up with that!” Sound familiar?

But look at it from his point of view…. he is working tirelessly to try and accomplish his dreams (his dreams of becoming a lawyer and likely being more than able to support a future wife ;) ). He is most likely really stressed and overwhelmed by the workload… The times he does get to spend with you or talk to you and relax, another stress occurs; A girlfriend who is not happy.

Men put a lot of self worth on what they will do as a career and likely your complaining about spending more time with him will be interpreted as “she doesn’t understand me” or “she doesn’t see how important this is to me” or “I need a woman who understands my values” or “I can’t have a girlfriend right now because I can’t devote enough time to make one happy”

I don’t want to scare you but I want you to be realistic. This isn’t about you it’s about his school work.

While it is very difficult to only see your boyfriend once a month. The alternative is that he is going to get so stressed he is going to start avoiding any stress he can… and he won’t avoid his degree.

He also probably thinks that “if she can’t handle this now is this how she is going to be when I actually become a lawyer and have to work long hours?”

How will you be with that?

The only way to change things in a relationship is to change your own thoughts or actions. That’s because you simply cannot change someone else, you can only change how they react. What you have been doing thus far (telling him how you feel, getting mad that he won’t give you enough time, thinking he doesn’t want to spend time with you, thinking he doesn’t care about you) is not working. You keep getting the same result.

How you can turn it around:
Stop negative (toxic) thinking and change negative thoughts to positive thoughts.

“Actually he would rather spend time with me than do work he just can’t right now”

“Actually I know he does love me because of how he has been so patient with me     and how he treated me when we were together last”

“Actually his workload is so tough; I can’t imagine having to do all that reading”

“Actually he is devoting all the time he can to me right now but in the future he will   have more time for me.”

Spend the time you would spend with him developing something that you are equally as passionate about.

The fact that you would ditch all your studies for a man tells me that maybe what you are taking in school isn’t what you are truly passionate about. Spend the time you don’t get to spend with him developing your own interests and skills.

Find books or articles about figuring out your true passion. A really great one I can recommend is “Be a Free Range Human” By Marrianne Cantwell.

Work towards a goal that truly excites you.

If you are excited about what you are taking in school then develop other hobbies; sports, design, feng shui, event planning, whatever.

The point is to take you mind off of obsessing over this issue and focusing it on something other than a man.

By having your own plans and interests there will be times when his small window of time to see you will not work for you, and you will have to say no to him (even if that potentially means another month of not seeing him).

This will work in your favor and may help him to open up his schedule for you in the future. By showing him you have things you value too and you won’t drop everything for him just because he’s finally available, he will have to find some spare time to see his girlfriend. Don’t be afraid to pull away and hold your ground. He wants to see you too but right now he doesn’t have to make any effort because your begging to see him whenever he wants.

Be the partner you would want to have in this position.

Assume his intentions are good.

When faced with frustration think “If I was in his position, how would I want my partner to behave?”

If something no longer serves you than walk away.

As I said, you cannot change someone. Your man is in a profession that is always going to demand a lot of his time.

Always assume that an issue with a man won’t change and decide if you can handle that or not. If not then maybe it is not the relationship for you.

If it is worth fighting for then it’s time to detoxify your thinking, get confident in his love for you, develop your own interests (yes this will equal “pulling away” a bit/not only seeing him on his schedule), and be the supportive partner you would want in this situation.

Good luck!

Xoxo
Ash

 

Dear Ash…Should I Leave Him?

6Dear Ash,

I have been in a relationship with a guy for 7 years. We have known each other since we were kids. Generally, everything is fine but I don’t know, sometimes I still feel like I wish for something more.

I am not at all the romantic type, kinda realistic in fact, but deep inside I really hope that someday I can meet someone that can make my heart sing, or at least know that he is the one.

With my current boyfriend, he has everything a girl would want. He is hot, sweet, kind, and everyone tells me that he thinks I am his destiny. He really loves me, I feel it, but the problem is I don’t feel as much.

I don’t know what’s happening to me and often find myself guilty for not having the same feelings. I don’t know what to do. A part of me does not want to settle down and wants to find my true love. The other part tells me “Is it not enough? What more do you want?”

Actually I just want to tell him the truth and maybe separate for a while so that I will have time to think but he will not accept. I tried once but failed. I love him, but not the way I think it should be when you meet that special someone. Maybe I just love him like a best friend.

But then I don’t know. Our relationship is too long and I don’t know whether I can be brave enough to end it and start again with another one.

Really need your advice. Thank you very much!

Kate


 

quotes-about-moving-on-after-a-breakup-1Kate,

I am a firm believer that when you find “the one” you know it. When I met Mr. B I knew it within a few weeks that this was the person I had always been looking for and I’ve never stopped thinking it.

I too would say I am very realistic when it comes to love but being realistic and settling are two very different things.

When I was in college I met a boy who I fell madly in love with, and he would have stayed with me forever, but there was always something in the back of my mind that told me something was missing.

I used to be the girl who melded into her boyfriend. Whatever interests he had, became my interests; even though I hated hardcore music I was now listening to it every time I got in the car, even though I loved seafood I hadn’t seen a crab leg in years, even though I liked to be social and go out with friends I was now sitting in the house day in and day out smoking and watching sitcoms. I wasn’t being true to myself. I didn’t know what that truth was just yet but I knew this wasn’t it.

When we finally broke up I started doing things my own way… things I had always wanted to do but didn’t because I was in a relationship. I travelled, I read, I listened to the music I liked, I ate seafood, I said yes to social invitations, I learned about myself… I wasn’t looking for approval from a boyfriend or anyone else anymore. I was free.

I became a very different person than that girl who was with that college boyfriend because I allowed myself to figure out who I was meant to be.

By being the truest form of myself I was then able to find “the one” because I wasn’t pretending that his interests were my interests, and things that were important to him were important to me. They just were.

If you were telling me that you used to think he was the one for you and things have just become stale I would be telling you a different story, but I don’t think that’s what you’re saying.

I think your saying that you’ve stayed as long as you have because of what other people want you to feel, not because of what you feel, because of what other people want you to think, not because of what you think, because you feel sorry for him that you don’t feel the same way, when you should feel sorry for yourself for giving up your precious time for something that doesn’t feel right.

I think you have already weighed all the pros and cons and it is making you very confused. Instead of asking your friends and others for permission to leave; stop for a moment, sit silently, and feel what your gut it telling you.

Are you happy? Do you think you will ever be happy with this man? Do you think you will ever think he is the one?

Is there a voice in your head whispering… “go”?

Listen to that voice because that voice knows much better than me what you should do it’s been with you all along, it’s you.

On a final note…

It takes much more courage to leave because you know deep down he isn’t the one for you, than it does to stay. But if you choose to leave don’t think you are doing him or yourself any favors by calling it a break. If you choose to leave you must respect him enough to let him go and find himself just as you are going to do.

Stay as long as you need to, but never settle, because fear is never the reason to stay, and if something in this life stops you in your tracks and truly moves you… run like hell in that direction.

Xo

Ash

How To Get Through To Him – Rethinking Communication and Getting Clear About Confidence

flickr.com.photos.geewillikersjett.5262808406.Communication, or lack thereof, is typically said to be the #1 thing that ruins relationships. I don’t disagree but I do think that communication as whole is often confused with just talking (verbal communication). We think if we just say what we are upset about it will make our man see the error in his ways and change his perspective.

However, I know plenty of women who talk to their men all the time and tell them over and over how something hurts, annoys, or angers them, and the guy just doesn’t seem to get it.

This talking doesn’t seem to get him to fix that door handle, stop going out till 4am with his buddies, or clean up after himself. In fact the more we talk about the same issue the more he seems to not even be listening.

So there must be other ways to get through to him than just talking about it.

Something equally as important as communication is confidence. Confidence is usually confused with thinking you are a nice person, are good looking, or are a good girlfriend.

Confidence means knowing, regardless of outside circumstance, that your man wants to be with you. Confidence means to not solely look at what he does or doesn’t do for you as a gauge of how much he cares about you.

(Please note that what I am talking about DOES NOT include abusive relationships, if you are in one seek help and get out.)

For a simple example, your man still hasn’t put up those curtains you have been asking him to put up for months.

Having lack of confidence would be to perceive that as him not caring about you because ‘if he really cared about me he would want to put up the curtains for me”

Having confidence would be to perceive it as he just keeps forgetting or is being lazy. That “it has nothing to do with me he just hasn’t gotten around to it”

When you take the personal part out of it, it becomes an annoyance rather than something you begin to harbor resentment for.

Once you have managed to take the personal part out of it does it still bother you? Probably, those curtains rods are still on the floor.

Non-verbal communication is still communication. It’s not a mystery that women like to talk it out and men would rather avoid the conversation all together. Men and women like to communicate differently, so non-verbal communication can be a very effective way to bridge the gap in communication styles.

I am not telling you to never talk about your issues with your partner, that’s important too. I am suggesting that when verbal communication is not getting the point across non-verbal may be the solution.

In this case with the curtains a man would be sure to take notice if, when he is around, you start trying to put them up yourself “Hey you’re doing it wrong let me show you how” or get someone else to do it “I said I was going to do it, you didn’t need to get the neighbor to come by, thanks Bill I got it from here”

In fact this happened to my friend recently and after a month of asking him and asking him to put them up; it was suddenly a direct blow to his manhood when she got some help. He said it made him feel like he wasn’t doing his part around the house.

So the curtains were up. She was able to see that he really does want to do things for her, he just wasn’t great at the time management part and now he knows he wants to be the one to do those jobs in the future because of how he felt when someone else did it.

Communication is very important; I don’t want you to harbor resentment for your man. I want you to have confidence in your relationship so that you don’t let silly things hurt you. By taking the personal part out of the equation you can prevent the resentment in the first place. If something is still bothering you after you’ve talked to him and taken the personal feelings out of it, then try non-verbal communication because many times it is far more effective in bridging the gap and getting to a solution.

4 Attributes You Should Swap Right Now to Get the Relationship You Want

feminineWomen have fought an uphill battle when it comes to equality with men and some would argue we are still fighting it.  The battle to prove we are strong and capable of achieving anything has had some consequences; it has stolen our femininity

We now see femininity as a weakness that we have to defend to be taken seriously, but are patience, vulnerability, balance, and empathy, really weak attributes?

As we have had to swap our feminine qualities for masculine ones to get ahead in the business world, we have lost the ability to see how our feminine strengths can actually get us exactly what we want without having to fight for it.

Make these 4 swaps from a masculine quality to a feminine quality and watch your relationship improve drastically.

Swap aggressiveness to demand what you want with patience that your man will give you what you want in good time.

If you want your man to start planning dates; stop planning them, if you want him to take some initiative in finding work; stop “stumbling upon” job listings for him, if you want him to start being more responsible with money; let him handle the bills (No peeking to make sure they are paid!).

If he was single he would HAVE to do all of these things himself. If he wanted to date a girl he would have to think of a place to ask her to go, if he had no money he would have to find his own job listings, if he wanted to keep his electricity from being shut off he would have to figure out how to pay his bills.

Patience does not mean to keep asking over and over again for what you want but asking once and trusting that eventually he will give you those things if he wants to make you happy. Men are far more likely to give you what you want when they don’t feel pressured into it. Don’t forget to say thank you.

Swap the need to control the situation with the vulnerability to ask him for help.

We are strong. We are independent. We go after what we want and we get it!

Fine, but even the most successful masculine men in the world had to use the feminine attribute vulnerability to know when to ask for help. CEO’s don’t build multi-million dollar corporations by themselves. They need help and so do you.

Make your man feel useful; let him open a jar, let him carry the heavier grocery bags, let him reach something for you on the top shelf. Men like to feel as though they add value to your life. If he doesn’t think you need him then he may just think he doesn’t need to be there.

Swap pressuring for emotional reassurance with balance in your relationship.

We all like to be reassured and we know that us ladies need it a little more than the gentlemen. Constantly pressuring him to show you more attention is going to give you the opposite effect.

Instead practice the balance of blissful sweet nothings and being apart to do your own thing, whether that’s in another room or out of the house altogether. By having your own interests outside of his and your relationship you show him that your world doesn’t revolve around him.

In turn he will give you more reassurance because he will be curious with what you’re up to without him and want to be reassured too.

Swap competitiveness and your need to be right with empathy for his thoughts and feelings.

If you are always right then guess who is always wrong? He is.

When your man is trying to show off his knowledge or skills in sports, business, world views, whatever, it feels good to him to teach you something you didn’t know before…let him have it once in awhile.

You don’t have to combat everything he says to show how smart you are. It makes men feel emasculated. Pumping his ego a little bit (“ahh I had no idea about that cool!”) hurts no one and makes him feel good. When he feels good he makes sure you do too… win win.

Femininity = Strength

Our masculine qualities drive us to confront, demand answers, push our beliefs, and try to control situations. While our feminine qualities allow us to take a step back, wait patiently for answers, listen to other points of view, and trust others to make the appropriate choices.

Feminine qualities are strengths not weaknesses. When used in the right way they are far more powerful than their masculine counterparts and they will get you the relationship you really want far more easily.

Happily Ever After Starts With You,

Ash

 

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